You thought you were "past it." Then a song comes on, or a smell, or an anniversary you didn't even consciously remember — and suddenly you're right back in the thick of it, as if no time has passed at all. If this has happened to you, please hear this: you're not doing grief wrong. Grief was never meant to move in a straight line.
Debunking the "Stages of Grief" Myth
Many of us grew up hearing about the five stages of grief — denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance — as though grief were a checklist to complete in order. In reality, this model was originally developed to describe the experience of the dying, not those left behind, and even its author later clarified it was never meant to be linear or universal. Grief doesn't check boxes. It loops, doubles back, and shows up when you least expect it.
Grief as Waves, Not Steps
A more accurate way to picture grief is as waves in the ocean. In the beginning, the waves are constant and overwhelming — you're swimming just to keep your head above water. Over time, the waves don't necessarily get smaller, but they get further apart. You build more capacity to ride them out, and the calm stretches between waves grow longer. But a big wave — a birthday, an anniversary, an unexpected reminder — can still knock you over even years later. That doesn't mean you've failed to heal. It means you loved someone or something enough for it to matter.
Grief isn't a problem to solve. It's love with nowhere left to go.
Different Types of Grief
- Loss of a person — through death, the most commonly recognized form of grief.
- Loss of a relationship — divorce, estrangement, or friendship endings can trigger grief just as real as bereavement.
- Loss of a job or role — losing your career identity or daily structure can bring profound grief.
- Loss of identity or ability — health changes, aging, or life transitions that shift who you thought you'd be.
- Ambiguous loss — grieving someone who is still alive but changed, such as through dementia or addiction.
How to Ride the Waves
- Let go of a timeline. There is no "correct" amount of time to grieve.
- Allow yourself to feel the wave fully when it comes, rather than pushing it away.
- Create rituals — lighting a candle, visiting a place, marking an anniversary — to hold space for your grief intentionally.
- Talk about the person or loss, even when others seem uncomfortable with it. Avoidance rarely makes grief smaller.
- Give yourself permission to feel joy again without guilt — it doesn't mean you've forgotten.
Supporting Someone Who Is Grieving
The most helpful thing you can offer someone in grief usually isn't advice — it's presence. Avoid rushing them toward "moving on," and instead simply say, "I'm here," "Tell me about them," or "I don't have the right words, but I care." Continue checking in long after the funeral or initial event, since grief often intensifies once the initial support fades.
When Grief Becomes Complicated
Sometimes grief becomes "stuck" — marked by prolonged inability to function, intense guilt, or a sense that life has permanently lost meaning. This is sometimes called complicated or prolonged grief, and it's a sign that additional support could help. There's no shame in needing extra help to carry something this heavy. A grief-informed therapist can help you find ways to hold your loss and still find your way back to living.
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